Finding your light in the darkness of grief

Listen, I’m not even gone hold you. Life has not only been life’n, it’s been whoopin’ my ass. So if life has also been draggin’ you, please accept my virtual hug.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’ve recently experienced much loss; my godbrother and my aunt. I returned to work following my bereavement leave and was met with the news that one of my clients tragically lost their life to a senseless act of gun violence. The three blows were all in less than 30 days. To be fully transparent, I have been struggling mentally and emotionally but with much prayer, love, and support I am beginning to see some of the light that’s been shadowed for what felt like forever. Let me also say how vital it is to be transparent about my mental and emotional capacity, saying “No” more than usual, and pouring into good things and people have been in this healing journey. However, life doesn’t have a “save and finish later” button so grieving and navigating these unpausable moments as a parent and mental health professional have been extremely humbling.

I do want to bring the focus back to grief and loss. I’ve said this before but we have been conditioned to predominantly associate grief with death. Grief is a natural response to losing something you once had. That something can be a person, place, thing, feeling, access; or anything. Some of the hardest things I’ve had to grieve were people who were still alive and well. I also experienced the grief of my life before I welcomed my little broke bestie into the world; the money I had, the flexibility. But I’m realizing grief comes from the safety we find in the familiar. The safety you get from not stepping out on faith that everything will be ok is only a barrier to growth draped in gold. No, life will never be the same, but who promised you that? In hindsight, that’s pretty entitled of us if you ask me.

I had a therapy session the other day (Yes, therapists have therapists) and explained how I was conflicted because it’s so easy to say you’re sad while grieving, but I’m not sad. I told her that if I had to put a word to how I’m feeling I would use displaced. I’d go on to explain that while everything around me seems familiar, I am not sure where this current version of me fits into these “familiar” spaces. Because while they are the same spaces, I don’t feel the same about them. I realized I am not the same. When life happens, adding or removing people places, or things, you no longer operate as the person you once were. You have now entered yet another phase of your life fueled by resilience. Mental and emotional strength conditioning is similar to physical strength conditioning. To get physically stronger, eventually, you’ll have to add weight to the bar, right? These moments are challenging because while you’re learning how much weight you can carry, you’re struggling with how much you can bear.

So, ok back to my therapy session. She later hit me with a question I wasn’t prepared to answer because I had never been asked this before. “Why can’t you grieve in joy?”

Uuuuum excuse me? Grieve in joy? Girl what!?

We then had a back-and-forth exchange of me challenging the idea. I then had an epiphany about how there is a subconscious sense of guilt that lingers when you lose a loved one about moving forward with your life without them. How could you possibly display how much you love and miss someone if you don’t maintain your sadness? Newsflash, you don’t win an award for loving that person the most because you can’t find the joy in going on without them. However, you do make sure they do not leave this earth in vain by showing how much joy they brought you to carry on in their absence. I love you so much that I will continue to live joyfully on your behalf.

Life changed, so let go of returning to your same life before that change happened. Stop trying to find that old feeling, old joy, and old comfort; we start over and learn this new life with those memories in our hearts and minds. Grief is natural, and releasing the expectation of what your grief is supposed to look like and experiencing what is happening in real-time (laughs and ugly cries alike) is how to find your way to that new joy. Don’t allow the facade of getting your old life back to stop you from stepping into and thriving in your new one.

Grief can feel dark and lonely, but I promise you’re not alone and those shadows cannot exist without that light being closer than you think.

Happy Healing 💜